Panic: an enemy and a friend.

I will be writing a blog post soon on how to cope/deal with panic attacks as far more suffer with them than you realise. For now, I was asked by my therapist to write a description of how they can be an enemy as well as friend. This will probably be deleted, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

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An intruder of your thoughts, feelings, behaviour and bodily responses... otherwise known as a panic attack. It has the ability to drown you under a thick layer of anxieties, keeping a tight grip as you struggle for air. This may be gradual, like a room slowly closing in on you, or all at once as though a tidal wave is sweeping you off your feet. Blocking all rational thoughts whilst swamping your mind with dread and a sense of growing urgency to escape, yet you lack the ability to suppress the enemy within your mind. It proves its power by triggering the shaking of limbs, the loss of breath and distorted vision, you are temporarily a guest within this body. Although now a viewer of this mind and body everything feels just as intense. Any attempt to seize back the power of your imagination fails or is somewhat subtle; you cannot harness it. It doesn't matter how determined or strong-willed you are, it is equally as determined because it's you. The self destructive part of you.

A deterrent from all that is threatening, prompting you with cognitive and physical awareness of suspected risks. The alarm you can rely on to keep sounding until you are out of danger, no matter what you do to turn it off, to let it know it was wrong. It acts as as hypocritical protector. Cloaking you with awareness yet causing what it looks to avoid; fear. It cares a little too much, the type of care that smothers you. It triggers helpful devices, the mist or sensation of glass shielding you from judgement. The recognition that there is not a physical protector with you and that you have your own, inside your head.

To do list 2015:

Although we are already a month into 2015, I thought I would write a list of goals I have for 2015 to look back on:

(i'll probably add to this as things come to mind and tick things off)

1) • bring in the year in a positive way; have an amazing nye!!✓

2) • read 50 books✓

3) • buy a homeless person a drink/food✓

4) • blog more✓

5) • donate blood for the first time✓

6) • donate blood every 3 months✓

7) • build a blanket/inside fort

8) • get 5 uni offers✓

9) • get into university✓

10) • blow bubbles✓

11) • conquer a fear✓

12) • bake cookies or fairy cakes✓

13) • watch fireworks✓

14) • visit Stratford Westfields ✓
15) • stop unnecessarily idolising people✓

16) • get a tattoo✓

17) • see the sunset/sunrise✓

18) • grow my hair down to/as near as possible to my waist✓

19) • go on late night adventures and last trains; at least 6✓

20) • persuade 5 people to donate blood✓

21) • persuade 5 people to join the organ donor register✓

22) • buy friends/family random little gifts of appreciation more often✓

23) • go on a road trip✓

24) • throw glitter at someone

25) • improve ways of dealing w panic attacks✓

26) • go to at least 5 gigs✓

27) • buy more fairy lights✓

28) • go to at least 5 gigs✓

29) • skip✓

30) • compliment others more often✓

31) • find a new favourite book✓

32) • produce a piece of work I'm proud of✓

33) • travel/discover new places✓

34) • make more effort to keep in contact with old friends/distanced friends✓

35) • have a girly pamper day✓

36) • go up the shard✓

37) • have the ability to do 5 press-ups (i can't even do 2 rn)✓

38) • watch the lion king✓

39) • buy alcohol without being asked for ID✓

40) • walk a dog✓
41) • have an amazing 18th birthday✓
42) • learn to play the basics (or attempt)- piano, guitar or ukelele✓
43) • go to a beach✓
44) • actually meet someone from online n not just remain virtual friends✓
45) • be able to cook something✓
46) • reach 5k blog views✓
47) • try sushi✓
48) • cut down on spending✓
49) • get into using cruelty free makeup✓
50) • more random acts of kindness✓
51) • cut down on the amount i spend on coffee✓
52) • finish a-levels✓
53) • become more independent✓
54) • keep up with writing a diary✓
55) • learn to say yes more often to opportunities✓
56) • learn to say no more often instead of accepting being uncomfortable w things✓
57) • start a youtube channel✓
58) • kiss in the rain✓
59) • feed ducks✓
60) • go back to the isabella plantation✓

♡☾58/60 completed☽♡